Without a Path to Dance Upon

For four days I was in the presence of sun, sand, beaches and family. My parents, youngest brother Scott, oldest brother Chris and his wife Andrea and daughter Lauren, Aunt Suzie, Aunt Julie and Uncle Mike and their daughter Stacey were all on Hilton Head Island in a condo and I was there with them for four days but I couldn't fall into happiness. I love being with my family more than anything, I love their voices, their laughs, the way my mom looks at me and says I love you like she's laying eyes on me for the first time, the way my father steals snuggles like I am still 8 years old and mostly the love that they graciously blanket me in without holding back even the slightest bit.
While I sat on my flight home Tuesday night I looked out the window and saw this beautiful sunset and began to cry. I kept it quiet, tilting my head purposefully toward the sunset looking back at me through the airplane window so that the gentleman next to me couldn't hear my silent tears. I was alone again, heading back to a city where I felt entirely lost and worst of all I felt as though I didn't show my family the love they showed me because I was too busy feeling like nothing fit right anymore.
Emotionally I am stuck. Physically I am the strongest I've been in years and yet broken down. I was sick for nearly two months and resurgences of bronchitis still show themselves in wheezy fits of coughing and painful breathing. Mentally I am unable to move forward. I haven't written in a month and I have no urge to do so, I haven't picked up a paintbrush in 5 months nor a piece of charcoal nor a crayon and the only trails I have created as of late are those that lead from the corners of my eyes to the point where your jawline swoops upward gracefully into space where your earlobes swing playfully outward.
Why don't I jump upward with such a force toward opportunity now? Where has my ambition gone? Why so many questions?
Tomorrow is Easter. I can only pray that it helps me to resurrect my personality and the drive that used to characterize my happiness because this lifeless person is not me but rather a stand in, a stunt double, I hope. Like the flowers I love so much, may I awaken in the spring sunshine and shake off these layers of dead leaves because they are really getting me down.