Underneath it All

It's been an interesting few weeks. I've allowed my usual guard down and done my best to take everything as it came rushing or trickling toward me. I have a bad habit of assuming the worst in people and closing myself off. The problem is that 9 times out of 10 my first instinct is correct. This time I was hoping to be proven wrong and if you would have spoken to me a few days ago I would have said it was finally happening...but today I'm not so sure.
You see, this morning I began to clean my cluttered room and as I peeled away the layers I began to draw paralells to my life. Underneath some piles of clothing I found amazing discoveries--shirts I'd been in search of for weeks, a favorite pen, a misplaced journal, a plethora of guitar pics. In other parts of my room I found unwanted tidbits--a depressing bill, a dirty dish, a broken trinket, a bent photograph. I suppose that's the gamble you take as you clean a place that has been allowed to fall into a state of chaos. You never know what you are going to find, despite being familiar with it for an extended period of time. You never know what might filter through to the surface.
Some of it is ugly. Some of it is brilliant.
In the case of my room, I've rediscovered a space that makes me feel at ease. I've straightened out things that haven't felt right since moving in and have made my room into a place that I can be relaxed in as well as productive.
People aren't quite as simple. Even though I was beginning to see the glimmer of something sweet underneath, I am starting to wonder if I had my hopes set on fools gold. I'm trying not to close up and walk away but sometimes it's important to know the difference between a "fixer-upper" and a room that should be condemned.

Maybe He Posts the Phone Numbers Up on His Closet Door

Not really, but I do love me some anti-valentines day cards c/o my favorite Jason Sho Green.
So I wasn't sure as to what I should do with myself this eve. I pondered the idea of playing one of those point and click games they suggest in the banners above your MySpace page---I found the one that involved figuring out if Brittany Spears was mentally stable especially endearing---but decided that rather than subject my little Toshiba Satellite to such possible virus issues I'd figure something else out.
Last night I began Disk one of a 4-disk Alfred Hitchcock dvd set my father got me for my birthday. Maybe I should keep on that. Or maybe I should clean my room. I really need to do some laundry so I have some options for the upcoming weekend of fun I have planned. Or better yet, maybe I should find something to make in my crock pot tomorrow. I also need to go grocery shopping to get wings for the Chinese New Year (it's THURSDAY ya'll).
Nah, I think I'll settle into my pjs and go set up residence on ADEN's couch for a bit. All the girls at work today were talking about boyfriends, and possible boyfriends and crushes and gush gush gush. My most recent run-in with a boy only led me to feel even less certain of my confidence in such realms and led me even deeper into my current stereotypical single and grinding my teeth smiling like I don't give a crap fascade. The truth is, I don't know that a relationship is anything I'm interested in right now but who ever said a little flirting and dating wasn't a good time? Bah.
Now, to go settle onto that couch and be cranky for a moment and then zombify into some quality cable tv.

Long Gone

The road never stops winding. And as soon as I turn the corner I'm uncertain of what I'll find floating in the gutters, spinning on the sidewalks and stepping into my path. In the past few weeks I've seen a beautiful ballet in the summer air, felt like a bird flying through summer breezes with my feet on the pedals of my lovely bike, gotten lost in the halls of grand buildings filled with the creative ponderings of artistic geniuses and splashed in the streams of my dear city.
Next week I bid farewell to a job that has caused me great joy and great distress only to move forward (I hope) to a job that may do the same but hopefully will lift my spirits instead. I've been battling with the emotions in my head and heart about jobs, friends and futures. I've been putting up my guard and grinding my teeth in my sleep. I spent an entire weekend holding back and holing up in hopes of not making any major mistakes. And yet I keep wondering if my extreme caution is keeping me from experiencing the visceral joys and pains that make life the gift that one should never take for granted.
Jump in with two feet child. The worst that can happen is failure and no one is judging you for that.

There are some days (and sometimes weeks/months) that I just want to have a label on my forehead that reads much like those found on bottles of prescription medications.

I would have two labels: "Weird sometimes without explanation" and "Taken best with a lot of human contact."

Worth It

For the past two weeks I've been going through major job burnout! I'm tired of hearing about the iPhone and how people are angry with the fact that we aren't carrying it (not our choice) blah blah blah.
But today I had a moment that redeemed the gunk of this job for a bit. A gentleman came in and purchased 18 iPod Shuffles for the nursing staff who cared for his premature baby girl. She was born 3 months early and very sick. She is now very happy and alive and doing wonderful. He wanted to thank the staff who helped his lovely Flora survive. How awesome.
It's the little things that help you to get by sometimes and remind you of the value in keeping things in perspective. I'm healthy, I'm happy, I'm getting paid regularly, I'm doing just fine.
And to Flora, glad you're still here with us, it sounds like you've got two wonderful parents and a beautiful life ahead of you.

A New Outlook

So it's been a bumpy road but I had a "come to Jesus moment" last night and I have an entirely new outlook on my race, or rather, the outlook I've been trying to achieve from the start.
This triathlon is not meant to be a competition for me, it is not meant for me to prove anything to anyone except myself and that only goes so far as "I know I can do this." This triathlon is supposed to be fun. Yes, I said fun. These are the sort of things I do for fun, namely, challenging myself to do something new. Now over the course of my training I've been telling myself that my only goal is to cross the finish line with a smile on my face. The thing is, that has never really been my motivation at the gym or on the road but rather "I have to do this and do it well." I am oftentimes my worst enemy, holding myself to perfection at all times, not asking for help when I might need it and ultimately attempting to do everything on my own without allowing myself to make mistakes along the way. Basically, this has been the tone of my training and it's beaten me up rather well.
Last night something clicked. Something in my head finally made the connection and I'm feeling much better about the race and not freaking out about it as much as I was before. This is not a competition for me, this is a challenge and my ultimate goal is finally what I always tried to say it was, to cross the finish line with a smile on my face. Competition can be achieved in my second tri, if I find this to be a sport I'm generally interested in investing time and effort into.
That being said, the specs for the race are as follows for those who would like to come out on a lovely July morning and watch me bumble my way through a 1/2 mile of swimming, 17 miles of biking and 3.2 miles of running. I'd love to hear your voice (over the sound of my own grunts and moans haha) from the sidelines.

I'm participating in the Philadelphia Women's Triathlon. I will know the day before exactly what wave I'll be in and you can see the courses at the following web site: CGI RACING
It's Sunday July 8th, the first wave starts at 8am
It's in the Art Museum district with the swim taking place in the Schuylkill and the biking/running portions following MLK Blvd. and Kelly Drive.

EDIT: And here are a few BEAUTIFUL (not to mention inspiring) photos from the Philadelphia Triathlon

Defeated

I don't know what's going on right now but I feel like God is trying to tell me that I'm not supposed to compete in this triathlon or something. I've been getting the shit beat out of me ever since I began training in January. First a major upper respitory infection that lasted 3 months, multiple re-tears of the same quad muscle, a rather eventful fall on my face and tonight I got hit by a car and am nursing a less-than-happy quad muscle that was rammed into the bumper of a woman's car.

I'm starting to think about throwing in the towel for this tri and signing up for one in a few months. Both physically and mentally I am cashed right now and it's a mere 2 weeks away. Can I get my head on straight enough to be a competitor by then?

It's looking unsure right now. I'm going to bed now. Hopefully I'll have things more sorted out in the morning. I feel defeated and I haven't even begun.

Broken in Both the Phyiscal and Mental Sense

It's amazing what can happen in a split second. I got cocky on my bike today and thought I could zip through traffic and then pop up a curb to get out of harms way...I was wrong. I miscalculated the curb and hit it midway sending my body over my handlebars and my face into the concrete. I woke up to blood gushing out of my nose and mouth and my left front tooth looking at me from the concrete beside me where it laid amidst some pebbles and the like.
After sorting out what had just happened, picking up my bike, taking some paper towel from a nearby cabbie and calling Beth I proceeded to my gym. There I stopped by the smoothie shop and got a glass of milk to put my tooth in, headed to the front desk and got the receptionist to look up my dentists' #, called the doc and headed to the ER where he said there was a chance they could reattach my tooth so long as it happened within 2 hrs of the tooth being smashed out of my face.
I waited about 35 minutes before they took me back and another 35 before I saw the oral surgeon who then shoved my tooth back up into my face, placed titanium chainlink across the front of my teeth and clumsily cemented it across my 6 front teeth to keep the tooth in place in hopes that the nerves will reconnect and all will be well. He also put 3 stitches in my lip and cleaned the road rash on my face. I was lucky enough to enjoy a tetanus shot, IV of morphine and antibiotics and a parting gift of prescriptions for percocet and more antibiotics.
I walked from the hospital (15th & Race) to the 24HR Rite Aid (23 & Walnut) to fill my prescriptions and then put my ass on a bus. I waited patiently, slightly nervous because I had never had to put my bike on the front of a bus before but I figured it wouldn't' be a big deal. Bus came I put my bike on the front but I couldn't get the safety bar to go over my front wheel. I walked to the side where I asked the driver for help. He yelled at me for not knowing what to do and I said "Look at my face, I just got in an accident" and he continued to yell at me and say I had no business taking the bus if I didn't know what to do.
At this point I was emotionally exhausted and began to break down. I took my bike off the rack and defeated, I walked away holding back sobs (mind you, I bent the right hood of my 1 wk old brand new bike when I hit the curb so I couldn't ride it home). In my haste I forgot to put the rack on the front of the bus back up so the driver had to get out and put it up and as he did so he yelled to me "You deserved to get hit after you fucking held up all these people."
I didn't even turn around, instead I continued to walk toward my house (49th & Pine) and I lost it. On the bridge crossing the Schuylkill I felt entirely defeated and just leaned against the wall and sobbed. I tried to contact Beth but she was at a party and no longer able to understand what I was trying to tell her so I continued my long walk home.
Now I am home, attempted to slurp down some macaroni and cheese and waiting for the percocet to kick in because my face is throbbing, my lips are cracked and I am certain that there is an audible WHAAAMP WHAAAAMP coming from my head as it reels in pain.
I feel so utterly alone right now. I finally got home just before 1am. I was taken into the ER at 7:30. I have nothing left.
I was so excited to do the brick tomorrow morning in the Art Museum (Bike/Run). The race coordinator put together a meetup workout tomorrow for anyone participating in the triathlon. It will consist of doing the bike and then run portions of the course I'll be doing for the tri. I can no longer participate. I'm crushed.

Singular

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source
sin·gu·lar [sing-gyuh-ler] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. extraordinary; remarkable; exceptional: a singular success.
2. unusual or strange; odd; different: singular behavior.
3. being the only one of its kind; distinctive; unique: a singular example.
4. separate; individual.
5. Grammar. noting or pertaining to a member of the category of number found in many languages that indicates that a word form has one referent or denotes one person, place, thing, or instance, as English boy and thing, which are singular nouns, or goes, a singular form of the verb go. Compare dual (def. 4), plural (def. 4).
6. Logic.
a. of or pertaining to something individual, specific, or not general.
b. (of a proposition) containing no quantifiers, as “Socrates was mortal.”
7. Mathematics.
a. of or pertaining to a linear transformation from a vector space to itself that is not one-to-one.
b. of or pertaining to a matrix having a determinant equal to zero.
8. Obsolete. private.
9. Obsolete. single.
–noun Grammar.
10. the singular number.
11. a form in the singular.
[Origin: 1300–50; ME < L singulāris. See single, -ar1]

—Related forms
sin·gu·lar·ly, adverb
sin·gu·lar·ness, noun

—Synonyms 1–4. peculiar. 2. bizarre, queer, curious. 3. uncommon, rare. 4. single.
—Antonyms 1. usual.




I fit in there somewhere lately.

In It's Singular Form It Lacks Enthusiasm

Last night I saw the Pistons fall to the Cavs and bid farewell to their chances at a 2007 Championship. All I have to say is, they didn't deserve it with the way they played so I can't be too upset. The Cavs worked hard, James worked is usual workhorse not-human load and they won. End of story.

Tonight I am sitting here wondering what I'm going to do on the nights that I used to go to the Good Dog, drink with good friends and yell at a television screen. Have I really gotten that one dimensional in the last two months?
I know that I have been avoiding time alone. Part of this is merely enjoying the summer and pushing forward in the continuation of what Beth and I refer to as "Summer Fun Time." Part of it is immaturity. I no longer feel like dealing with the reality of life, the deep stuff that's been the thrust of my life up to this point in the game.
I just want to relax and enjoy but when the rain starts to fall and your best friend is occupied with a possible love interest the air feels heavy with more than just dampness. The loneliness kicks in as I flip through my phonebook and come up empty handed. No one I know well enough to just call up and have sit at the house and watch a movie. My arsenol of close friends is limited. That's not to say it's a bad thing but on nights like tonight when all I want to do is relax and I can't fathom doing it alone, I get worried. Why can't I do this alone? A few minutes into the movie and I am flipping through the phonebook again. Nothing.

The pang of singlehood stabs you in the ribs when you least expect it. When your friends are occupied and your night is not.

Some nights this city feels too small. Tonight, it feels as large and silent as the Sahara Desert. If I were in Michigan I'd hop in my truck and drive to the lake, but how's a girl to escape when she has no means of getting to a destination she still doesn't know?

I seriously have nothing to do and it's only 2:30pm

1. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Never. I feel like that gives you a good idea about how things ended.

2. Are you crushing on someone?
Like it's my job.

3. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurt?
Usually it just hurts my ego.

4. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes, and we were in a car and I couldn't get out of it and I wanted to break through the window and run the rest of the way home because I was so confused about what was going on and how I had made him cry in the first place. I promise I'm not a maneater.


5. Are you happier single or in a relationship?
By and large I have been single 98% of my life and therefore I have conquered being good at it. I think I am still learning how to be happy in a relationship because there's nothing that compares to being with someone who loves you and you love them as well.

6. Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it?
I didn't mean it when I said it the first time but I meant it later.

7. Have you ever had your heart broken?
A bit bruised but not entirely broken.

8. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yes, but that's the nature of things I suppose.

9. Talk to any of your exes?
Yes, just one.

10.If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
Never. Live and learn. Hindsight may be 20/20 but it's that way for a reason, it's called learning.

11.Think any of your exes feel the same?
Hard to say, might be the reason we aren't together if they don't...

12. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
I am loyal, honest, and try hard to be, but I don't think I was prepared to take on the position of "girlfriend" for the first 20 years of my life. Now I think I am prepared for when the opportunity arises.

13. Where do u see yourself in 3 years?
Hard to say. I've grown up enough to realize that you have to take life as it comes at you. Right now, I see myself traveling and not settling down yet but last year I would have said "gee I hope I am in a good relationship and finding a place to call home." So as you can see, your guess is as good as mine.

14 .Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
A second chance to apologize but sometimes things that are given a second chance turn out the same way as the first attempt, so says my experiences, so no I don't think everything deserves a second chance.

15.Do you want to get married?
Indeed I do.

16.Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you?
Yes, my gay co-worker said he would if I were a guy. Isn't that just the sweetest.

17.Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
Who hasn't said to someone "man I totally have a crush on so-and-so" only to have someone say "they have a gf?" I know I have and then I think, shucks and walk away.

19. Have you told anyone you'd marry them?
Not yet.

20. How many times have you really truly been in love?
Once.